*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Think I pulled my liver
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
japanese corn
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
c’mon!
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready