*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control