Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
This made me smile…
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA