Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
tinder is all about the long game
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Rambo Rambow
My birthstone is a sushi roll.