[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I bet birds love this building.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.