Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
You Might Also Like
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.