Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
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My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
This raises questions
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance