Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again