Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
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You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.