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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Mornin
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?