Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
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My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Love is in the air fryer.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
A short story of betrayal:
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
<- sleeps well with others
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.