Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
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When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
seems fine
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron