DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
You Might Also Like
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
when you order from DoorDastardly
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there