Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
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psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?