drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
You Might Also Like
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Me too 😆