@scottthetwat: Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.
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@chamashouse: When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently "Kindergarten" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
@ElleOhHell: "We're a completely paperless office." Wow, that's really cool. [Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom] Well this sucks.
@Girliegurll: I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn't tell I was drinking. I'm worried about her, now.