I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[eats all your cotton candy]
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch