Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work