@burntmybagel: Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don't enjoy life.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick's Day this year with a quiet dinner at home. Me: Yea, the nursing home...
@Mr_Kapowski: *scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk* "Wait just one damn minute" - How horchata was born
@nbadag: [runs up to a group of people] ME: ZACK ATTACK GUY: lol is your name zack or— [thousands of bros crest a nearby hill] ME: [whispering] RUN