Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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So sick of all these stupid rules
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Netflix: We have Less
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
You deplete me
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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