I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’