Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio