Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
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Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab