My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Sometimes? I’m slipping
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.