Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
You Might Also Like
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars