drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
You Might Also Like
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives