@TankCesar: Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AaronFullerton: "Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!" -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
@JB4Realz: I can't take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him... Guess that's what get for buying a pure bread dog.
@dreadnaught69: I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like "core competency" or "design out the problem" or "I'm gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today"
@TheHyyyype: [Arkham Asylum] GUARD 1: that guy's CRAZY *gestures to Joker's cell* JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google* GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit