If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.