Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
You Might Also Like
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?