me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
You Might Also Like
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My patience has stretch marks.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
#Caturday
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50