@whereami18: Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I'd also be responding to all texts they receive.They've been well behaved since.

@decentbirthday: Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible Me: Okay do a kickflip Jodie: What Me: Do a double kickflip right now

@KeetPotato: me: [answers phone in meeting] "this better be important" wife: "i think we're having a baby" me: [sighs] "you told me that 9 months ago"

@ArfMeasures: [after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

@cuppajosh: With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!