[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.