dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Many hands make light work
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?