@SoGoFu: Dryer settings:
- not the least bit dry
- shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you
@SergioValenCo: Damn girl, are you my Bachelor's degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
@EugeneMirman: I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
@sploosk: THERAPIST: what's the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
@tarashoe: i'd be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
@summerofbenny: "TGIM!" - My liver