@SoGoFu: Dryer settings:
- not the least bit dry
- shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you
@goulden_eye: Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
@thejamietighe: *rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I'm late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
Me:That'll be the zoo.
@david8hughes: [giving grandmother's eulogy]
But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
@WilliamRodgers: So I'm Calling random stores & saying "Hey It's Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!".... There's got to be a Michael at one of these places...
@agathagotstoned: The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.