Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Blew my mind.