Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
real
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale