My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Thinking about Jeff
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
ibopfufen
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’