“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
going to the ER y’all need anything
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”