Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
was Jim off killing horses or…
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day