“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
You Might Also Like
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
What?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.