Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Sunday
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Good point.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers