Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
You Might Also Like
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.