Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.