Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*