@lemonmartinis: Dude that's not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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@UnFitz: I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
@myonlymizztake: Me: I'm ghosting him. Her: You stopped talking to him? Me: No, I'm showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
@VinnieLovelace: Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn't believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores