@UnFitz: I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@AndrewsNotFunny: I think as Canadians we're so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

@myonlymizztake: Me: I'm ghosting him. Her: You stopped talking to him? Me: No, I'm showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

@VinnieLovelace: Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn't believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores

@droidbears: greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital