Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire