What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
titanic
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days