Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.