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Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds