Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.