Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
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Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?