Sniffing the broccoli
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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats