@mutedclamor: Dude you're a dentist. Why am I in stirrups?
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@Black__Elvis: I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."
@WilliamRodgers: Him: So whattayou wanna do? Her: I dunno Him: So...You wanna play video games? Her: No! Him: So...You wanna watch me play video games?
@truegritrumble: WIFE: What're the kids doing? ME: Playing lawn darts. W: Is it safe? M: Hope not. W: M: W: Wtf M: Can't afford to send both to college, Jen