Dudes named Chance never had one.
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Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
This one’s “Alex”.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Alexa: *deep breath*
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.