Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
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When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
finally
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth