Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
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me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Van Gone
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register