@jollyrobber: Dude's trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Our daughter lied to me. Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth? 5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.
@VodkaThursday: Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we'd all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.
@ericsshadow: 1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.
@BatBatshitcrazy: In the summer there's only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.